reader. writer.

I’m already aware that we probably don’t multi-task when we think we do—instead, we just switch our attention back and forth between tasks (or distractions, as the case may be). I also find sometimes multi-tasking is a way to make a dull task seem more interesting because I have more to juggle (but it then takes more time to complete the task).

I’m okay with multi-tasking not really being real, but I’ve been worrying lately that maybe single-tasking isn’t possible, either.

I used to have what felt like powerful focusing abilities. If I was reading, for example, I often wouldn’t even hear if someone tried to talk to me.

Lately, I find everything so distracting, and not in a good way. I try to focus on a task, and instead I start noticing all the sounds and sights all around me. So many of them! Some are my beloved family, sometimes calling out to me directly but sometimes talking amongst themselves, or endlessly blending smoothies, or watching a video of some sort… and I find it almost impossible to ignore them. Even with my office door closed. Headphones help, but then I have the distraction of the weight of the headphones on my ears.

Even if my family is not around, the world is full of noise these days—lawn mowers, leaf blowers, sirens, insanely loud vehicles (ones where I can only suspect that someone deliberately tried to make them louder than necessary, and why, I ask you, why?) And until I turned alerts off, there was the frequent beep of a text, email, or phone call.

Lately, even random objects in my line of sight feel like a distraction. Sometimes it’s paperwork to address. Sometimes it’s just clutter. Sometimes it’s an object that I thought would decorate my work space, and now is just one more thing tapping onto my consciousness.

In composing a draft of this post, I tried closing my eyes as I wrote, and that actually helped (though of course, then I have to edit extra typos later). It also works if I close my eyes and dictate my ideas on my voice memo recorder, so that’s another strategy.

Yet even when I take elaborate steps to block out all distractions and start to focus, I then find ways to interrupt myself, thinking about what else I might need to do, worrying about what I might have forgotten, or who might be trying to reach me, or what I need to think ahead of —even though seriously, surely all of those things can wait for the hour or so when I most want or need to focus?

I realize that part of what affects my focus is the topic of my last post, as I anticipate life after my kids go to college. It’s a change that interests me, even as it squeezes my heart. But I suppose emotions and thoughts can be as much a source of distraction as sights and sounds.

So I just remind myself of what helps—eliminate or manage distractions, make the most of my prime times of day (mornings!), take deep breaths, engage in stress management activities, cultivate task lists to address the distracting fear of forgetting, etcetera, etcetera. I find myself thinking of my ability to focus as something I need to nurture, like a garden, providing gentle nourishment and occasional weeding.

I wonder if I just need to accept that single-tasking is something precious and rare, a moment that comes and goes regardless of my attempts to control my ability to focus. So instead of feeling frustrated when it’s hard to achieve, perhaps I will celebrate whatever blooms, take a breath, and keep planting the seeds so that those moments come again.